Posts tagged ‘The big P’

Holding Grudges

I have a few people I wish to inveterate in fiction. Those people that I can expound on every blackhead, fat roll and brown mole.

Them with their stubborn elitism with distinguished ignorance.

Those who use words which stand for hate. And disrespect.

and hypocrisy.

She, who would read my words and think it were her sister. Or mother perhaps.

But would never think it were her.

Oh sweet! How sweet would it be to tear them apart for their soulful hatred of one.

one.


The one who would inveterate them in fiction.

and laugh as she mocked her own family

as she mocked me.

November 6, 2009 at 5:11 am 2 comments

Listy-bisty-bobisty-banana fana- fo-fisty

Lists are easy to read. and this makes them fun.

My Extraordinary List of Awesome things:

1. Johnny Depp in the Libertine.



I watched this movie for the fifth thousandth time. Each time I am moved by it.

What is truly enjoying life? At what expense? This movie is rad. (in a oh my word I can never ever show this to anyone- kind of way)

2. Finding The World According to Garp.



I thought it was stolen. But alas, it has been redeemed from the confines of under-my-bed-opolis.

3. Sleep.

’nuff said.

4. Hubs.

He’s really awesome. Even when I lose my temper and yell at him. *blush*

List of Not Awesome Things

1. Spilling bleach on all my black winter clothes.

Stuff you bleach! grr…

2. My University is being retarded.

Stuff you University!

3. Clients.

Anyone who works with the direct public can say this all together:

“stuff you clients!”

4. The Striking Magical fairy that cleans my flat.

Stuff you mag…i…ca.. oh wait. That’s me. I can’t possibly stuff myself. Unless it’s with *copious* amounts of food. And when I do that I get all chubby around my face and that is just so NOT sexy. So no stuffing of ones self here.

(I probably don’t want to know the google results on that one)


Things I am waiting for:


1. Summer time

2. Summer time

3. Partying in the Summer time

4. Warmth and not coldness. (Just FYI: it was -4 this morning when I went to work *shocker*)

This concludes the post where by I sing a gay little song and write random stuff in a list format for you to read and judge me on.

The End.

July 28, 2009 at 7:51 pm 12 comments

Home.

time is a cruel thing.

the days that i wish would go faster, crawl behind me.

the days i wish to slow down, zoom ahead.

evenually im left with only a handful of memories of people ill forget.

“I wish I were with you, I couldn’t stay…Every direction leads me away.
Pray for tomorrow, but for today…All I want is to be home.

Stand in the mirror, you look the same. Just looking for shelter, from the cold and the pain.
Someone to cover, safe from the rain. All I want is to be home

Echoes and silence, patience and grace. All of these moments I’ll never replace
The Fear of my heart is th absence of faith. All I want is to be home

People I’ve loved, I have no regrets. Some I remember, some I forget.
Some of them living, some of them dead. All I want is to be home.” -Home Foo Fighters

it s time for me to go home.

July 22, 2009 at 6:16 pm 5 comments

Love List



I am really loving love lately. All the different types of love, all the varying sickingly sweet tastes and the hot burns of love.

In fact, I had been reading through one of my old journal entries in which I list over 150 things that I loved when I was 18. I have always been in love with love.

Here is the shortened version of my list that I wrote 20 June 2006 the year I was 18 and Matriculated from High School.


Here are some of the things I listed:

I Love…
* I love eating watermelon on a hot day
* I love the way the fan always is a little louder than the voices in my head.
* I love the way my backyard looks around sunset
* I love waking up first in this house to watch the sunrise at the breakfast table
* I love the feeling of sand between my toes and the pressure of the waves against my body
* I love fooling around during class time
* I love a crackling fire
* I love actually knowing someone’s name
* I love those funny leaves with wasp eggs inside
* I love the people who sit alone- those are the people who truly see the world
* I love the memories of home
* I love the feeling of rain on my skin
* I love standing really close to the speakers
* I love how my Mom asks if she looks good before going out with my Dad
* I love feeling like I belong
* I love getting dressed up
* I love beauty
* I love dancing
* I love weddings and the promise inside them
* I love order in the chaotic
* I love the smell of my Dad
* I love my grandma’s rocking chair.
* I love the thought of being good enough.
* I love my family
* I love loving.
* I love love

It was so interesting reading the things I deemed worthy of love. I still adore the things I mentioned, most of the people I mentioned, and all the emotions I mentioned. It revealed my growth, my joy and even my sorrow. Sure, my list now would involve more grown-up things, like snuggling, a dinner not prepared by my own hands, the warmth of my husband and having a true friend. But why spoil my innocent list with such grown up experiences? Why spoil the promise of tomorrow with the truth of today?

Why stop loving love?

I would love to hear a list of the things you as an 18 year old love. You can post it on a comment or pingback! 🙂

July 12, 2009 at 12:54 pm 3 comments

With Love

Today my thoughts are not on me. They are with those in Mozambique.

Last year this time, I was packing up from my trip to Panhame, a small village in the middle of Mozambique. I pulled out my album and took some time to think and pray for those I met.

Being an ex-Portuguese colony, there are cultural differences beyond white and black, wealthy and poor. They appreciated the stuff we brought, but the true joy they expressed was not in the toothpaste, medical supplies or blankets we gave, but in our message.

Someone in this world loves you and not only do we love you, but the Creator of the ground you walk on loves you more than you could ever imagine.

They wished more than anything to hear the hope we brought them. AIDS is ripping apart their country. The life expectancy and infanct mortality rates are the worst in the world. They didn’t want our blankets as much as they wanted hope.

And they found it in Jesus Christ.

I learned more about true joy in a little dusty village in the middle of nowhere than in my own life.


This isn’t the first time I’ve posted about this trip. I posted about it a week after returning home. and still couldn’t shake what I saw there. I posted again on the first of January 2009.

Definitive Moments– 1 January 2009

I have had several moments in my life that I place in my definitive category. Some I will never find words to express. Some are so deeply entwined in my core that to remove them, analyze them, and reveal them would strip them of their power.

But some of them only have power when stripped open. Some moments yearn to be shared. These have no shame. Like the beggar at the traffic light, they cry out to me. Sobs of fear, regret and desperation are met only by my own heartache and incompetence.

I had another dream about her. Her name was Sali and I first wrote about her here. Lately, she has been invading my subconscious, crying out to be shared.

I met her July of 2008 in a small village in Mozambique called Panhame. Her lifestyle is what you see on National Geographic with little comfort and even less guarantee of tomorrow.

Yet, she aroused no pity from me.

Sympathy, sure. “Man, somebody’s gotta do something” sure. Pity? No.

This does not mean that I am immune to the sadness of seeing impoverished people. I felt no pity because she felt no pity.

This was her life. She is 4 or 5 years old and herded her family’s goats. She helped her mother with the only meal of the day. She would probably never get an education or learn where babies come from before she was married. This was her life and, at her age, she seemed to accept her life in all its entirety.

I am no photographer but here she is:

And these are my words:

To the girl who aided my heart recovery:

Sali

The great expanse of dust packed still
By bare feet trampling
The shadows pool beneath Marula tree
And dusty rocks, undisturbed, watch

Sali toddle across the plain
Heavy laden, haunting eyes
And the beads and bracelets clanking

And she tumbles
Embracing shrouds
The dust- scarlet and steaming

Tear neglected she leapt
To chase the goat
And fade into the blackness.

I would love to share some photos with you of some of the beautiful children that have engraved themselves on my heart. My friends are in Panhame today, packing up their tents and saying goodbyes. Oh how I wish I could see how these kids have grown!

The Local Church Bell

The Local Church Bell



This bell would be rung everyday that there would be something happening in the village, usually in the morning. Several hours later the event (church, town meetings etc) would begin. Talk about African Time!

Local Transportation

Local Transportation



The local ladies still carry their heavy objects on their heads. But if something was too heavy for even a strong lady to carry, it would go onto this cart strapped to two donkeys.

The Local Church Building

The Local Church Building



I promised you pictures of cutie pies. Look closely and look at that little darling walking through the dust in the distance. She was absolutely stunning, but was so hard to pin down for a picture.

but there were plenty who enjoyed playing models for me!

She was so excited to see her photo after I took it!

She was so excited to see her photo after I took it!



She loved to mimic the younger girls on our team.

Don't let the warm clothes fool you. It pushed 45 degress in the daytime in winter!

Don't let the warm clothes fool you. It pushed 45 degress in the daytime in winter!



She is such a sweetheart.

She is such a sweetheart.



So beautiful.

Such Joy!

Such Joy!

With Love to those stunning kiddos in Panhame. With Love.

July 10, 2009 at 10:37 am 4 comments

Waiting Schmaiting – 20SB style.

“This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!” (I was totally told to say that. But Ice cream is on the line and thus I will reduce myself to copycatting. So there.)

All I’ve gotta to in order to stand a chance is re-post a post from the first two months of my blog.

Believe it or not, I’ve been blogging off and on for almost three years. The posts at the begining weren’t really meant for reading. I had typed them purely as a way to express the mish mash of things that were happening. It wasn’t so much a reflection of my personal journey but an explination of the things I knew in a time period where I knew very little.

This post was written during a time period of waiting. I had just started dating Hubs and things were going exceedingly well for a serial heartbreaker like myself and I had just quit my job at the cocktail place and was awaiting a new opportunity. In addition, my application to Uni was held up by red tape and my life ambitions were doing that strange pre-shatter waver. I didn’t know much. But this is what I did know:

Instant Gratification August 30th 2007

This morning on my way for my morning cup of coffee I noticed an open box of Lindt chocolate. I have never been one to pass up an unattended open box of chocolates- so I took a tiny little sliver of this seemingly decadent rich chocolate and popped it in my watering mouth. To my surprise my expectant taste buds were met not with a smooth sensual ‘party in the mouth’ but a powdery, thick, chalky and overall disgusting sensation of pure unsweetened cocoa. Since it dissolved so quickly, I had to experience this feeling of dirt crammed down my oesophagus. I marched into the room of the owner of the chocolate and demanded an explanation…

I like my chocolate to be instantaneously gratifying. I don’t care about the health benefits of that disgusting chocolate, nor does it matter that its what all those skinny people in France enjoy. No, I want to shove it into my mouth and have it taste good now.

I never liked Target stores for one reason. When you wanted to return an item, the customer care system involved taking a number. I HATE TAKING NUMBERS! I would rather stand in a line and wait with the others in full view of how much longer I have. Maybe its the logic of the insane, but since I can see the woman with her cart stuffed with things to return and the man with only a blender to take back, I can somehow prepare myself for the wait. But if you tell me to take a number and to take a seat I somehow can’t tell how long I must wait. I can’t nudge the slowpoke to take the next teller. I must just be patient.

Telling me to be patient rips my insides like vulture ripping open its prey. It hurts. Because I am working on it. I try breathing. I try focusing on something else. I try to practice my ’stop him with a single glance’ smile. But I like instant gratification too much if I am perfectly honest and so I’ll lose the patience I once claimed…

June 29, 2009 at 10:38 am Leave a comment

My Memorial Post. (You all know you wanna do it too)

The world is suddenly less weird.


And less beautiful.

June 26, 2009 at 7:17 am 2 comments

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