The Pursuit of the Grown Up Within Me

November 21, 2008 at 9:36 am Leave a comment


I live in-between worlds at the moment. I am not yet married, but no longer single. I am an adult back living with my parents. I am no longer a student, but don’t really have a steady job yet. I kind of have a position here and there but still drift in almost unemployment. I am almost registered at the distance learning institution but not quite. I still have to find the funds for the first instalment of payment. I am kind of this and kind of that but not definitively in anything.

I am not normally this girl. I usually have a plan A, a plan B and if all else fails, a miserable plan C. I bounce between plan A, B and C but never ever drift between. So this is new and strange to me. I like categorising myself. Giving words to myself makes me feel more understood by myself and even more place-able in the world.

Most of my dissatisfaction stems from my own confusion regarding my studies. I love studying. However I love the Fi more. And so I have to compromise. He is also compromising in his own elements for me and I do not feel at all cheated by this concept. Instead of returning to a University to attend formal lectures, I have opted to study via correspondence. Since the Fi is changing jobs to a company in the East Rand (40 minutes without traffic from Pretoria) I just cannot envision myself having the patience to drive everyday to Pretoria. Maybe for a few weeks but since I want my Masters in English; I cannot promise doing it for a few years. I am just not that motivated. I currently battle to walk the 15 minutes to my lectures. See? Would not happen.

Other motivations are perhaps more personal and revolve around my desire to not tax my marriage from the start, personal convictions about the importance of an education, and that burning edge to get a head start in the writing business are all feeding my hurry to get enrolled.

Not everyone is seeing it this way. The disapproval is based on many of my seemingly bad choices. I am again reduced to that little girl who cannot remember how to tie her shoelace. Ugh! This shouldn’t affect me. I’m too… me to need the green light from others. But I have to be honest here. I need this green light. I need that acceptance.

But I am not going to get it.

I guess this is how one grows up. They make decisions despite their approval rating and take responsibility regardless if it flounders or flourishes. Maybe they drift in-between until they decide and move forward.

So here I am deciding. Moving.

Hoping this doesn’t bite me in the ass.

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